Moving the Goal Post

HOW IT ALL STARTED

I don’t know about you, but I began with no expectations whatsoever.

I’ve always wanted to write books. I started writing them when I was a teenager, but I didn’t get really serious about it until my late twenties. Finished the book, but didn’t have the self-confidence to do anything with it. So, I shelved that whole dream for a good decade or so.

I got really into writing fanfiction. You know, as one does. I’d written a lot of it in my twenties (Yes, I had a LiveJournal. NO YOU CANNOT SEE IT), but I stopped for awhile and didn’t pick it up again until my late-thirties. Of course, the funny thing is, I’m not actually a very good fanfiction writer. I’ve got this nasty habit of creating my own characters and playing with canonical worlds until they suit my vision for the story. I will add indoor plumbing and printing presses to settings that don’t have them. Just try and stop me.

Summer of 2018, I wrote just such a story, only it was somehow also a book-length story (120,000 words to be exact). Even more surprising: people loved it. So I wrote a sequel, and people loved that; then I wrote a third book, and then a fourth. It got to the point where I was hoarding fanart, and I even opened a Discord so fans of the series could chat and keep track of updates. And always in the back of my mind there was something tickling my brain, reminding me of the teenager I used to be—the one with all those silly hopes and dreams.

Oh, and my readers kept telling me I should publish it.

A DREAM IS A WISH YOUR HEART MAKES

So, yeah, I started playing with the idea of turning the first book of that series into a novel. I still didn’t really have any goals. I wasn’t picturing myself as an author yet. What a joke, right? Here I was, forty-one years old, still working up the nerve to tell people in my life I wrote fanfiction. Admitting I’d written an actual novel? Not gonna happen.

But, eventually, I… did it. I had a novel.

I had no idea how to navigate this new space. I barely used social media. I also had to make a surprisingly tough decision: no more fanfiction. I learned pretty quickly that I can’t focus on more than one project at a time. Saying good-bye to my series’ fandom was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I still get people messaging me and asking if there’ll be another book. It hurts. I told stories that made a real difference in people’s lives. Nothing huge. Little things like, I had a totally awful day at work, but when I got home I saw you posted a new chapter… That stuff matters. It makes it feel like your story matters.

But now all that was gone. It was just me and my characters.

Now, I already knew about querying. I’d queried a short story in my twenties. More specifically: I’d queried one magazine, received a rejection, and quit. But I guess the dream never truly died because I used to read the Writer’s Marketplace at Books-A-Million. Of course, I couldn’t afford to purchase it, so I’d check it out at the library—not that they ever had the latest edition.

But hey! Everything was online now. Still, the thought of querying… what if I got rejected again? People said my writing was good, but… was it good enough?

Then I discovered #RevPit.

NEW GOAL: GET INTO A MENTORSHIP

This was in spring of 2021. I spent hours writing my answers to all the questions (they released the questions ahead of time) only to realize when it came time to enter that I’d gotten the word count limit wrong. Like, way wrong. I had to quickly cut 90% of my responses so I could squeak in—this was when participants had only a small timeframe to enter, and only so many were even allowed to enter.

Long story short, I didn’t get in. And that’s when I realized I’d set a goal without realizing it. Because I cried when I saw the tweet from the last editor saying she’d made her selection and all emails had been sent out—and I didn’t get one. Yeah. I really cried.

Not that I learned my lesson or anything. I edited the book all summer long, convinced there was something wrong with it. Then, come Fall, I entered another mentorship program: Pitch Wars. Don’t worry, I won’t keep you in suspense here: I didn’t get selected. I also joined a Twitter pitch event for the first time (#PitMad—holy hell was that terrifying—and embarrassing, as real friends and family who followed me on Twitter could see my pitches). Spoiler alert! I received no likes.

Okay, but we soldier on, right? It finally became clear to me what my goal was: get into a mentorship. Because that was safer than querying? As if being selected for a mentorship program is something I have any more control over. But I’m a stubborn bastard. I kept at it. I pitched during #DVPit. Received no likes. Entered AMM. Wasn’t selected. Pitched in #PitMad in December 2021. Received… One! Editor! Like! Entered Rogue Mentor. Didn’t get in. Are you seeing a pattern?

All right, fine, I thought. Nobody wants me? Well then, I’ll just start querying. But I did so convinced my book was a total garbage heap. I queried for six months and received one full request and one partial. The full request ended in a complimentary pass that came with the dreaded “just didn’t fall in love” line. The partial was a form rejection. All the while, I kept reading up on and entering mentorships. Then, in late Spring 2022, I entered the Diverse Voices mentorship.

I. Got. In.

I read the email over and over and over. I couldn’t believe it. YES!!! I got in! I’d set my goal and I’d ACHIEVED it! But was this because I was just so totally awesome and my book was soon to be a runaway bestseller? Of course not. It’s because I was fucking persistent. And because of luck. Because my wonderful mentor just happened to read my book and love it.

TIME TO MOVE THAT MUH’F’N GOAL POST, AMIRIGHT?

The mentorship was great. My book became so much better. My mentor was truly the most awesome person on the planet, and I owe her everything. I’ll admit, getting into the program and working with her did much for my self-esteem. I no longer believed my writing was shit. I no longer thought I was shit.

But all good things come to end. But hey, that meant I was ready to query again, right? And boy was I. Oh, and guess what? I had a new goal: not “get an agent” because surely I wasn’t good enough for that yet. No, my goal became: get a full request.

Aaand I got one! Pretty quickly, too.

And then another. And another. And another. And another.

OKAY, HOLY SHIT, NEW GOAL

Man, those goal posts were leaving sparks in their wake, lemme tell you. Now the one positive thing I can say is I didn’t set an exact number. But I got a lot of requests. Like seventeen, as of this blog post.

And, of course, then they began to slowly come back as passes.

SET ACHIEVABLE GOALS

Which is where I am today, Summer of 2023. My book has queried well. I worked my ass off until I got into a mentorship, then back-patted myself, even though I knew in the back of my mind that luck played a HUGE part in that “success.” Don’t get me wrong. Hard work and talent play their parts, too. When we succeed like this after working so hard—when we get into mentorship programs, when we get requests, when we get offers—we should be proud. But until you get to that moment—if you get to that moment—it just isn’t fucking fair to beat yourself up for not being there yet.

So that’s been my takeaway, and it’s what inspired me to finally start blogging about this whole process. Maybe I’ll write another post in the future about being in a mentorship, or maybe I’ll write one about writing fanfiction and turning it into original fiction.

But for now, I just wanted to exist in this space—this space where I’ve achieved so much yet always seem to struggle to acknowledge my successes. Why is that? I’ve seen other writers (and artists in general) talk about this all the time. When you’re constantly looking ahead at your next achievement, your next goal, you never allow yourself time to relax in the moment and enjoy what you’ve accomplished so far.

And I have come far. From a kid tapping away at the pre-Windows writing program on their family computer to the overly anxious forty-something fanfic writer who just wants to write stories that make queer kids happy… fuck. I’ve come so, so far.

And I’m gonna nail those goal posts into the ground, damn it, and celebrate those goals. At least for now.

I can always build more later.